Dooce’s readers: It’s impossible to care for kids by attacking their moms, even if they write something transphobic

And let’s rein in the mental health shaming, PLEASE

TW: Transphobia, suicidality

Our favourite SAHM since 2002 has been quiet lately. We’ve watched her grow increasingly thin and widely suspected anorexia. Her writing, which has always been quirky and creative, has become difficult to follow. Today, she posted what is arguably the most incoherent of recent blog posts, wherein she revealed that last year, she attempted suicide. We are all able to see from her writing that she’s not the same Heather we’ve come to know after 10–20 years. I’m no expert on bipolar disorder but this latest post does read manic to me.

I can understand why people get so uncomfortable around ill people, whether mental illness, physical disease, or addiction. It’s hard to witness, we’re afraid of it one day being us, we’re triggered, we don’t know how to be around ill people, etc. I’m sure there are psychologically deeper reasons than these.

But as informed grown adults, we know that no one with a mental illness chooses it; we know that things like systemic pressures, life hardships, aging, and pandemics can exacerbate mental illness; and we know that shaming and attacking will certainly not make people better. (In fact, I think the online abuse Heather has received has contributed greatly to her mental health issues.)

So, what the fuck.

I know that what Heather wrote was transphobic and we’re shocked. But my god. She just finished saying she tried to kill herself last year. And she doesn’t appear to be quite herself. Then her readers shame and attack her while saying they feel sorry for her children and they hope that for her children’s sake she gets some help?

Are you sure, readers? Are you absolutely sure that you’re motivated by concern for her children? Are you sure you’re not motivated by internalized misogyny, by competition, by the pleasure of taking someone down a notch? Are you sure you haven’t just gotten so used to online rebukings and cancellations that it’s become normalized for you to think people can weather this and if they can’t, they should just go live in an offline hole somewhere?

Can I please implore you readers claiming to care about her children and then in the same comment using ableist language like calling her “looney,” to fully activate your brains with everything you know about children, about moms, about mental health, about shame, about cause-and-effect… and make some logical connections here?

No one loves children more than their parents, right? And children have profoundly deep connections to their parents, right? So, who will better care for children than their well-supported, well-resourced parents? Who do children want to take care of them more than their parents?

The children need Heather. Not you. Not merely Jon. They need a healthy Heather. Either contribute to her health and well-being or don’t harm her. It’s very possible to give negative feedback and disagree with someone without posting on her account, “I hope she loses custody,” or “She is unhinged.”

Hurting, wounding, shaming, and attacking a mom who has admitted to being suicidal does not help her children. It pushes her towards the edge of a cliff and whispers in her ear, “Jump.”

You must know that. You’re an adult. You know things by now about human psychology. You’ve been depressed before. You’ve most likely wanted to die at some point. And if you haven’t, you one day will.

In Dr. Steven Hayes’ Acceptance and Commitment Therapy handbook Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, he cites the following:

The Ubiquity of Human Suffering

About 30% of all adults have a major psychiatric disorder at any point in time

About 50% will have such a disorder at some point in their lives

About 80% of these will have more than one serious psychological problem (Kessler, et al. 1994)

Only about half of people who present for mental health care have a diagnosable mental health disorder (Strosahl, 1994)

We all have a 50/50 chance of struggling with suicidal thoughts for at least two weeks in our lifetime (Chiles and Strosahl, 2004)

Almost 100% of all people on the planet will contemplate killing themselves in their lifetime (Chiles and Strosahl, 2004)

Preverbal children do not make suicide attempts, but even very young newly verbal children occasionally do (Chiles and Strosahl, 2004)

Dig into your empathy and imagination. I think you have enough experience and knowledge to be able to imagine how you would feel if you were Heather and to imagine what could happen.

And I well know that we currently have a culture where we don’t care about individuals in the wrong. One commenter said to me on Instagram, “Honestly, I don’t give a damn about the ‘support’ this one white woman needs — for her sake, I hope she can find a way to be well. But the damage she is doing to her own child and to a very vulnerable population of people far outweighs my concern for her.”

There is no “for her sake” without it including the children.

When you hurt a mother, you hurt her children.

When you neglect a mother, you neglect her children.

When you attack a mother, you wound her children.

When you support a mother, you support her children.

What would happen to Heather’s children if she committed suicide? How many decades would they spend trying to recover, unpacking it all? If Heather thought she could take the heat from posting what she thinks are enlightened connections between her own discoveries about her body dysmorphia and trans body dysmorphia, and then the comments she got were so shaming, so attacking that she felt there was no community, no support, no respect and no way to change her mind and be re-integrated, and she killed herself shortly after you left your shitty comment… how much will it matter to you then that you were “right” or that she “deserved” your feedback? Of course, you will do mental gymnastics to explain how her decision to kill herself had nothing to do with you, and you didn’t “make” her, etc. But you’ll know that you contributed. And you’ll have to live with that forever.

Now, imagine you’ve published a controversial take that is not well received. One person says they’re unfollowing you, they’re disgusted by you, you’re wrong and narcissistic and crazy. Another person says, “I disagree with you and I’d like to have a discussion about this and change your mind, but I still care about you and will be here with support if you need it.” Who are you more likely to turn to when you start re-thinking your stance? Who might cause you to rethink your stance?

Read or listen to some Brené Brown for goodness sake. Shaming helps no one, shaming fixes nothing. Shaming actually kills.

If you want a mom of a non-binary kid to change her mind about transphobic ideas OR if you want a mom to not kill herself, be responsible. Be kind. Be wise. Offer help or do no harm. Keep people intact while you criticize their reasoning, ideas, or behaviour.

Heather, if you’re reading this, here we are together outside Centre Pompidou. We barely got to know each other that day but I kept some confidences shared then and I would again if you wanted someone to talk to about the stuff you're reading. I can help you find some nuance here without being dogmatic. J.K. Rowling and Friends are missing so much information and then in order to comfort themselves after the heaps of online attacks, they find more people like them to tell them they’re right and good, and surround themselves with confirmation bias. But we can be good and wrong. I think what you’ve written is wrong and I can explain the fallacies and share other data with you.

Sincerely best wishes,

Natasha